The Hook - Murder on a Moonlit Sea

Here is the hook! This post may get edited along the way. ;) And big kudos to my CP for help with this...

Anya Swanson knows broken—whether bodies or hearts. As an insurance adjustor for the perilous fishing industry, she's seen her share of hurt.

But when she probes too deep into one suspicious claim, the casualties hit closer to home than she ever imagined. It appears to be just a tragic accident—an inexperienced deckhand washed overboard in the Bering Sea.

But when another deckhand on another boat goes over in a similar manner—and dragging a woman along with him—Anya takes it personally. She had dinner plans with this one. But before she can file the death claim, Anya discovers he may not be dead at all. In fact, he may be behind both deaths. And wouldn't you know…he intends to keep that date.

5 comments:

Tessa Dare said...

Wow! That sounds great. I'm hooked like fish ... groan, I know.

My only quibble is with the line "They had dinner plans." I wasn't immediately sure whether They referred to Anya and deckhand, or Anya and other woman, or all three, or Anya and someone else who were on their way to dinner when the call came... etc.

But overall, it's fab!

November 12, 2007 at 12:59 PM
Melissa Marsh said...

I second what Tessa said about the dinner plans line. Also, I would stop with, "He may not be dead at all..." and leave it off with an elipses. Otherwise, I think it gives too much away.

Great job!

November 12, 2007 at 1:21 PM
Mystery Robin said...

Thank you!! I will definately take those points into consideration. I'm tweaking this all the time. ;)

November 12, 2007 at 1:53 PM
Tia Nevitt said...

The first two sentences don't really grab me. It just describes her job, and the description of her job really just needs to read "insurance adjuster", in my opinion.

The second two paragraphs begin with "But". Maybe you can pick one to reword?

And I found it a bit confusing that he "may" be alive after all and you give it away in the next sentence that he is alive when he but then he "intends" to keep the date.

I think you do have a very strong hook, but it is buried. She is about to date a man whom she suspects of murder. Assuming she reaches this suspicion very early in the novel (within about 50 pages), could you begin your hook with this rather harrowing situation?

November 15, 2007 at 6:23 PM
The Daring Novelist said...

I also wasn't sure what the "she had dinner plans with this one" meant right away either. Probably because you drew such a parallel with the first one who was so anonymous.

It also just might be TMI in one sentence - another, same way, dragged a woman with him, takes it personally. Perhaps the "dragging a woman with him" could go with the part about how he may be behind it all? (It may not be necessary to a short pitch at all, really.)

June 3, 2010 at 4:15 PM

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